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For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been having terrible writers block. I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s from the crazy amount of stress i’ve been feeling from final college assignments, but I know it’s much deeper than that. I’ve finally come to the realization that, I’m confused for the first time about what I’m even doing with this website.
I mean, I’m being paid now on my website and I’m generating more traffic than I’ve ever had, but I’m not invested in my writing as I once was… or it just feels like that right now. And because of that…
My writing motivation vanished. I may not know what i’m doing, but I do know what my message has been for this website. I want people to read my writing and not to always agree with what I’m saying, but to honestly think for themselves. I want people to be inspired by knowing that some twenty year old is doing what he loves to do. I want people to be entertained and I want people to enjoy what I post.
But, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing and because I haven’t been writing lengthy posts, it’s allowed me to take a step back from my website and reflect. Something that, I haven’t properly done all these months. Reflecting made me realize a lot of things.
Over the course of the almost eight months, I’ve been doing this, I’ve realized now that I’ve been valuing the wrong things about my website. I had it in my mind that getting 100,000 views was the ultimate goal. I had it in my mind that generating money was the goal. I never valued my writing, I valued what it would feel like to achieve my goals. I valued proving people wrong in achieving my goals. I valued the wrong things.
I never actually imagined that my website would be generating more than 100,000 views. It does now. I never imagined that I would be making money from this. I do now. I may have wished it into the world, but I always doubted that I would do it. This doubt started back in August which seems like a decade ago. People told me that the views would stop. People told me that the website was horrible and I mean a lot of people, but those words didn’t stop me. It did the opposite.
I made the choice everyday to keep posting and writing, but, I’ve realized now that it was the motivation from my insecurities that kept me going. The motivation that has kept me going was proving people wrong. I felt like, If I stopped writing, people who said, I would fall would win. And because, I couldn’t let that happen, I turned my insecurity and doubt from others and myself into motivation. Because of this, I was writing for the wrong reasons and I was posting for the wrong reasons.
And now eight months later, valuing the wrong things has caught up to me and now I’ve lost track of what I should have been valuing the most; the writing. I proved everybody wrong and its like now what? I was motivated all this time by the wrong things.Taking the step back from my website made me realize that.
As I reflected, I also looked around at my generation. Looking around made me realize how powerful the affect of insecurity is for others. I’ve talked about this before, but social media is always the main source of where insecurity comes from in my generation.
It seems like people don’t do anything for the love of it anymore. You can kind of notice on Instagram when someone takes their time with the photo before they post it. Its like people strive for perfection. I don’t understand why that’s the case. And when perfection isn’t reached or an amount of likes isn’t reached, the person usually deletes the photo. Its like if you deleted the photo, you didn’t post it because you loved it. You posted that photo to get people to like you. And Its like…
As a generation we’re valuing the wrong things. But, I really don’t understand why? You can maybe put the blame on celebrities. You know because some celebrities use Photoshop in their Instagram photos to give off this perception of perfection and then you have people who believe in the image that they see. This in turn makes people want to have perfect photos, but its like why?
Even celebrities are insecure, but people just put them on a pedestal and act like their above them. The truth is we’re all insecure and you can’t buy anything in this world that can make you not feel this way. Sure, you can take the drugs, drink alcohol and feel some type of way, but once you’re sober again, you will still feel insecure.
And it end begs another question like why? Why do people have to use drugs or anything else like that to cure themselves of emotional problems? I recently watched this program on Netflix called Final 24, Its like a really famous persons like last 24 hours of their life. It featured John Belushi, Jim Morrison, Sid Vicious and other people too. It’s sad that all these people used drugs and ended up dying from it, but it made me think.
I may not know those answers as to why these people use drugs, but I do know that the solution comes from within. We have to stop caring about what people think. We have to conquer our own problems within. The scary thing is that we think people are the enemy.
We never disclose to anybody else about the voice inside our heads. There’s the voice telling you to do good things and there’s the voice telling you to do stupid things. People need to realize that over thinking doesn’t kill, not properly thinking kills. We choose to accept what we choose to accept.
If you believe that not getting a lot of likes on your photo means your photo is trash, then you made that choice to delete the photo. If you believe that other people’s opinions are more important than your own opinion, then you made the choice to never think for yourself. If you believe buying clothes and changing your appearance will make people like you more, then you made the choice that you don’t love yourself and materialistic things are more important than real substance.
It’s a choice. It’s a choice we have within ourselves. You just have to know which one is the right one. I realized that I’ve been following the wrong choice with my website and now, I know it’s all about just writing and realizing this made my writers block vanish and it made me write this.
Even though, it’s a hard thing to do in this generation. Don’t let the insecurities get to you. Believe in who you are and believe in yourself. No matter what we do, we will have days where we feel insecure, but it’s what we do with those feelings that define who we are. I know it might not mean much, but I believe in you. Like, I believe in me.
MY MOTTO IS: IF YOU WANNA WIN THE LOTTERY, YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE MONEY TO BUY A TICKET!
From The 6ix,With Love
Thank You For Reading
Sincerely, Kid From The 6ix
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